Slow Realisations
by BonesBird
Summary: Garcia begins realising that Kevin isn't who she thought he was. Then has to start the job of moving on, but where will that move take her?
1. Don't Tell Me

**Title: Slow Realisations  
><strong>**Summary: Garcia begins realising that Kevin isn't who she thought he was. Then has to start the job of moving on, but where will that move take her?  
><strong>**Lyrics: Don't Tell Me - Avril Lavigne**

**Thanks so much for all the positivity from "The Closer You Get". I think this is going to be the first story in a short series, all in this thread, separate one-shots but in the same storyline… you know what I mean right? Anyway. This is for Tom, the guy I thought was right, but instead made me strong by treating me wrong. And for Patrick, who proved to me, I'd been wrong all along. My Kevin. My Morgan.**

**Thanks to LoveForPenAndDerek for going through this and correcting and making small adjustments. Also as always massive thanks to the ever lovely AnaLemont.**

**This is story number 99. I'm going to take suggestions for stories and/or pairings for the big 100. I will be taking CriMi, Castle, Bones and any of the Star Trek's. **

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><p><strong><em>You held my hand and walked me home<br>_****_I know why you gave me that kiss  
><em>****_It was something like this  
><em>****_It made me go oh, oh_**

As she walked home, Kevin was trying to get her attention every way he possibly could. There was so much that she wanted out of life, and she was no longer certain that Kevin was the right person to get all of that with though. She was getting older, her biological clock was beginning to tick loudly. However desperately she wanted a child, she wasn't sure that Kevin was the right person to father that child.

She didn't get the tingly feeling, when he kissed her any more**.** She didn't feel like he was the love of her life any more. 3 years she thought she would have known for sure by now… but she still didn't know.

**_You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears  
><em>****_Why did you have to go  
><em>****_Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love  
><em>****_Guys are so hard to trust_**

Some days, he'd be there when she needed him when she got in from a case and just needed to cry to let out her fears and her sorrow for all the victims she saw in her line of work. Other days… he was completely absent, and those were the days that tore her open. But she always had Derek. He was always there, regardless of his own feelings. If she needed him, he would be there.

She wasn't even sure she could trust Kevin anymore. He told her she was fat, and ridiculous. With her bright clothes and her forever changing hair. The things Derek loved about her, Kevin hated.

**_Don't think that your charm and  
><em>****_The fact that your arm is now around my neck  
><em>****_Will get you in my pants  
><em>****_I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget_**

Every time he walked her home he'd do the same thing. He'd pull her in and make his intentions clear. It no longer got to the point where he asked. She just knew what he wanted, and would let him do it. She was sure that wasn't a good sign of their relationship. She knew that. She had worked enough cases to know that. She had already refused to move in with him. He'd tried numerous times to move in with her, or get her to move in with him. In the beginning she'd said it was too early. Now she was running out of reasons why she shouldn't do it. If she couldn't stand the thought of living with him, why was she still with him?

**_I'm gonna ask you to stop  
><em>****_Thought I liked you a lot but I'm really upset  
><em>****_Get out of my head, get off of my bed  
><em>****_Yeah that's what I said_**

"Kevin," she said tonight as they got to her apartment building "I don't want you to come in" she said simply. He stopped in his tracks and looked at her. She stepped another step away from him, looking straight at her door.

He reached out and grabbed her arm**. **Trying to stop her moving away.

"Penny" he moaned in his best whine. "Isn't that my choice?"

She knew what he'd do, and she knew it was time she refused. She didn't need to be treated this way any longer, and she knew what she wanted to do. That no matter what it would be the right thing to do.

**_This guilt trip that you put me on  
><em>****_Won't mess me up.  
><em>****_I've done no wrong  
><em>****_Any thoughts of you and me have gone away_**

"No. Kevin. Please leave" she almost whispered, trying desperately to tug her arm free. When he wouldn't let go she slapped his arm until he let go.

"Can't we talk about this**?" **he almost begged her, but she wasn't going to fall for his game this time. It was time she called an end to this. To him acting like she belonged to him.

"I don't want you telling me what to do and say any longer. I'm not your slave**." **

"I never did" he began, but she cut him off with a slap. She wasn't going to put up with him lying about what had been going on for months. Years even.

"Go away, Kevin, don't come back" she said, walking into the building and shutting the door behind her.

**_Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl  
><em>****_The one who throws it all away  
><em>****_Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you this time  
><em>****_Did you think that it was something I was gonna do, and cry_**

She heard him pounding on the door, for what felt like hours after she shut it. She could hear him shouting, but not the exact words. She heard the police pull up outside, and take him away. When she couldn't hear him any longer, she breathed a sigh of relief. She had finally done what she knew she'd needed to do for a long time. Next up, was to tell the people who needed to know.

**_Don't try to tell me what to do  
><em>****_Don't try to tell me what to say  
><em>****_You're better off that way  
><em>****_I'm better off alone anyway_**


	2. I Wish I Could Go Back To College

**Lyrics: I Wish I Could Go Back To College - John Tartaglia, Rick Lyon & Stephanie D'Abruzzo - from Avenue Q**

**So, I hope you all enjoyed reading the first… IDK… chapter, in this. I'll be honest… this is not going to be… as fast as my other fics, but hopefully the chapters will all be long, as they will all be set to a song that I think reflects the tone of the chapter, if not exactly what the chapter is about. **

**First upload of this didn't work. I uploaded the housing policy document I was reading. What a failure. HAHA!**

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><p><em><strong>I wish I could go back to college<br>**__**Life was so simple back then  
><strong>__**What would I give to go back and live  
><strong>__**In a dorm with a meal plan again**_

She'd done it. She'd made the decision she needed too, and all of a sudden, she wished her life wasn't so difficult. She wished it had gone a different way. That she'd gone to MIT like she'd planned before her parents passed on. For the first time since she'd joined the FBI, she wished everything had turned out differently. As the thought passed through her mind she saw her phone flash, a text.

From Kevin.

Not who she wanted to hear from. She wanted him gone, and to completely leave her alone.

_**I wish I could go back to college  
><strong>__**I college you know who you are  
><strong>__**You sit in the quad and think "oh my god  
><strong>__**I am totally gonna go far"**_

If she had gone to college. Not spent her late teens and early 20's hacking for whatever money she could get, before she was caught by the FBI and placed in their tech pool. Would she have ever joined the FBI, or would she be doing design and development with some private company? She didn't know anymore, and that fact bothered her mote than any decision she'd ever made.

_**How do I go back to college  
><strong>__**I don't know who I am anymore  
><strong>__**I wanna go back to my room  
><strong>__**And find a message in dry erase pen on the door**_

"What would I do now" she asked herself aloud, "would I have ever met Kevin?" No matter what her mind came up with, everything led back to that fateful night when she was just 17. She stared at the pictures she had, wishing she could just call her mom to come and take away all the pain and suffering she had endured over the last few days. She had realised her feelings on Kevin had changed, when she had been laid, just listening to him snoring.

_**I wish I could just drop a class  
><strong>__**Or get into a play  
><strong>__**Or change my major  
><strong>__**Or f**k my T.A.  
><strong>__**I need an academic advisor  
><strong>__**To point the way**_

She could have just found a way to leave them. To get him to go. But she'd laid there. Feeling out of control of her own life. Kevin had stopped her going out, he hadn't liked how she'd dressed, so she's started dressing more conservatively. He hadn't liked her friendship with Derek, so she'd started pulling away. She'd done everything she could to stop him being upset with her, and it was when Derek had innocently asked her for a drink, to talk after their work day was done. He pointed out they hadn't done it in almost 6 months. That was when she realised, she was sacrificing herself, for a man she didn't love anymore.

_**We could be sitting in the computer lab  
><strong>__**4a.m before the final paper is due  
><strong>__**Cursing the world coz I didn't start sooner  
><strong>__**And seeing the rest of the class there too**_

So even as she thought, about how she wished she'd been able to go to college, she also thought about how out of place she'd have been there. With her flamboyant personality, and love of all things rock and roll. No matter what, she was proud to be the woman she had been. Now she had to work on getting back to herself, and getting herself back on track.

_**I wish I had taken more pictures  
><strong>__**But if I were to go back to college  
><strong>__**Think what a loser I'd be  
><strong>__**I'd walk through the quad and think "oh my god  
><strong>__**These kids are so much younger than me"**_


	3. Last Train Home

**Lyrics: Last Train Home - lostprophets**

**Finding this song took a lot longer than you'd think. But I'm writing the chapters while listening to the song. So finding the right song for this was absolutely crucial. This chapter was written during one of JaneEspenson's writing sprints. They are GREAT for convincing you to write when you are umming and ahhing over something.**

**Short break in this now, while I adjust to new phone.**

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><p><em><strong>To every broken heart in here<br>**__**Love was once a part but now it's disappeared  
><strong>__**She told me that's its all part of  
><strong>__**The choices that you make  
><strong>__**And even when you think you're right  
><strong>__**You have to give to take**_

The morning after dawned, and regardless of what she had thought she'd feel come the morning, it wasn't how she felt. There were only some instances where she'd ever felt as terrible in the morning. But above her sadness, at having to choose this, she was vindicated. She felt better than she had in months. She also was glad to pull the old Penelope out of the closet, and restrict "new Penelope" to the back of it. Where she wouldn't have to look at the changes she had made, that made her begin to lose herself in the overwhelming presence that was Kevin Lynch.

_**I wonder if you're listening  
><strong>__**Picking up on the signals sent back from within  
><strong>__**Sometimes it feels like I  
><strong>__**Don't really know what's going on  
><strong>__**Time and time again it seems  
><strong>__**Like everything is wrong in here**_

Now, being single seemed like a fantastic idea. She pulled out one of her favourite work dresses, realising how long it had been since she had warn this particular dress. She wondered if it was time to have another hair change. She'd gone back to being blonde for Kevin, even though people had told her she'd suited the red. Maybe this time she'd go brown, streak it with blue and pink. Do something crazy with it. Change what she could, now that she didn't have to worry about Kevin's idea's on it. Now she had only herself to please.

_**But we sing if we're going nowhere  
><strong>__**And we sing if it's not enough**_

"Well hello, sexy mama" was the first thing she heard upon walking into the BAU. She grinned at Derek, who motioned for her to turn around. She watched the smile on his face grow as she span back to face him. "My perfect princess is back" he whispered, pulling her into a tight embrace. She felt even better, to know that she could accept his embrace whenever she felt she needed too.

_**And we sing, sing without a reason  
><strong>__**To ever fall in love**_

"Oh, does this mean Kevin's gone" Reid smiled as he walked into the bullpen past them, closely followed by JJ and Rossi,

"Good I didn't like him" JJ laughed as she followed Reid over to his desk, looking at whatever file he had wanted to show her.

"Welcome back kitten" Rossi grinned, prising her out of Derek's grip for just a few minutes, giving her a sweet fatherly hug as he did so. "work time, before Hotch catches you standing about"

_**But there's still tomorrow forget the sorrow  
><strong>__**And I can't be on the last train home**_

"We're liaising" Derek shouted after him, a grin still clearly on his face, he turned back and almost whispered "is Reid right? Is Lynch history". All she felt she needed to do was nod. She saw the light come back to his face as she confirmed that he wasn't going to be there anymore. That Lynch wasn't going to ruin their friendship any longer. Derek had stayed with her, as her best friend, even when he hadn't needed too, and now, maybe he felt he was finally vindicated.

_**Watch it pass the day as it fades away  
><strong>__**No more time to care no more time today**_

"I'm so proud of you, baby girl" he smiled, before walking her down to her office, "does that mean I can finally get that drink with you tonight?"

"Maybe not tonight Derek, but soon. I promise" she smiled, and for the first time in months, she felt she could honour that promise.

_**But we sing if we're going nowhere  
><strong>__**Yeah we sing if it's not enough  
><strong>__**And we sing, sing without a reason  
><strong>__**To ever fall in love  
><strong>__**To never fall in love again**_


End file.
